During the time my mother was pregnant with me, she went through a very difficult time, which almost drove her to suicide. As a result she never really wanted to have me. We lived with my father’s parents and his mother, a woman of some wealth, dominated everyone and everything around her. My father was putty in her hands and could never stand up for himself. Not surprisingly, my parents’ marriage was slowly eroding.

My grandmother was a very fearful person and her whole outlook of life was colored by this. For example, she would use a broom stick to put on a light switch as she was afraid of getting an electric shock. Already rejected at birth, I inherited this sense of fear and grew up to be a shy and timid girl. Most of all, I dreaded school and would never run or play like other kids.

When my father could not stand his mother’s domineering anymore, he went abroad, promising to get us down once he established himself. In the meantime we went to live with some uncles and aunts, in another country. He never quite made it and used a lame excuse to fall out with my mother..

Our family thus broke up, and we (my mother, sister, and I) kept on moving from one uncle’s house to another. When I was 12, we returned to Sri Lanka, as my uncles could not support us any longer. A year later my father died. Because we did not have a strong relationship, we did not know the exact circumstances of his death, a fact that haunts me to this day.

The next few years were harrowing and looking back at them, even now, is unbearable. In Sri Lanka, I did not have the support of cousins, which I previously had, to cushion the blows of life. So I began to develop phobias, notably claustrophobia and a fear of the dark. I also developed many nervous mannerisms, for which I was ridiculed in school.

While all of this was happening to me, my mother was blissfully unaware of it, for she had by this time immersed herself in the charismatic renewal in an effort to erase her own pain. She neglected us and this resulted in my developing a burning hatred and resentment towards her.
My mother, sister and I were a terribly dysfunctional family, resenting and disliking each other deeply. I never spoke to my sister for several years, although we lived in the same house and sisters are usually known to be close. To me, my sister was bossy, sarcastic and strong while I was weak.

By this time I had stopped going to church, deriving deep satisfaction by upsetting my mother.
When I was 26, I had a virtual breakdown; attacking my mother and sister both verbally and physically. I was extremely depressed. They insisted I see a psychologist, but after some time, I knew the only answer was the Lord and so asked my mother to ask her prayer group, the very people I hated, to pray over me. I thus came back to the faith and got over that crisis. Yet once I was OK, religion became a vague and distant, abstract thing once again.

I had a good job. However, because of my broken past, I was a total misfit at work. I was totally introverted, would talk to only a few, was very shy with my superiors, and nasty and rude to my colleagues and subordinates. To my immediate supervisor, I gave hell to say the very least. I would not communicate properly with him, was sarcastic and rude. Everybody knew I was a problem person. Any other boss would have thrown me out within a week, but my boss was one in a million, a true Christian if there was one, and tolerated me.

I prided myself in being a superlative employee and threw myself into my work, for my own self-seeking. Yet, at 35, when a coveted promotion, in fact everything that I had worked towards, and which seemed within my grasp, was not given to me, my life fell apart. As I was still single, I felt I had nothing, no career, no family of my own. This manifested itself in acute panic attacks where I was consumed by claustrophobia. I had to go on medication to come out of it.

Two years later, I thought that since I was OK I could give up the medication. But the symptoms quickly reappeared and I was devastated. I went back to medication but was deeply distressed by the recurrence of my problem and went into depression.

During my first panic attack, my sister looked after me, but I couldn’t very well turn to her a second time because she had her own family and actually, we did not get along well. So the only person to whom I could turn to was my mother, whom up to this point I disliked deeply.

With her deep faith my mother was able to bring me out of my depression and this experience transformed our relationship. We began to get along, and for the first time in my life I felt I loved her. It was truly a miracle that only the Lord could have wrought. If I had not fallen ill and been at such a low point, I would not have reconciled with my mother. Thus through my illness, the Lord healed both of us.

My illness was the turning point in my life. My personality began to change. I am now a much kinder, gentler person and much less introverted too. I also asked and received forgiveness from my boss.

At 42, in terms of worldly achievements, it seems that I have not made it. I have no fame or wealth to speak of, the yardsticks which I previously measured success in life. The Lord has led me on a totally different path, totally unexplainable in material terms. He took my illness, which at that time I considered a curse, and used it so that I would find Him and thus find a new life.

I participated in two retreats at the Divine Retreat Centre, Kerala, India, and this helped me to experience the personal love of the Lord. However it was at the Wednesday Prayer Meeting that I learnt how to become lost in the heart of God.

Where I had anger, confusion, despair, brokenness, fear and insecurity before, I now have a sense of well-being, peace and hope knowing I have Lord Jesus. I have a deep thirst for the Lord and his word. Recently I went to Tabor and bought 35 CDs of the Wednesday meeting messages, and in these last few weeks I have been immersing myself in them and it has given me a deep sense of peace and hope within me. I continue to have problems, but now I have hope, where I had only despair and brokenness before.

Praise the Lord